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met_wife.pwr
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Text File
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1989-12-31
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7KB
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112 lines
********************************
* *
* THE DAY I MET THE WIFE *
* *
* BY DEANO OF SILLY SOFTWARE *
* *
********************************
I looked at the calendar this morning and realised that me and the wife had
been together for 14 years today, that's two broken mirrors. So I thought I
would share with everybody, that fatal day I met her.
It all begin one cold winter morning...The birds were stood chirping on a
frost layered branch of a mighty oak wearing scarfs. It was so cold that
morning Jack Frost had a coat on. My mother gave me breakfast in bed,it fell
off the plate as she threw it. I didn't mind, there seemed to be something
amazing about a fried double yoker on quilt.
Somehow I staggered out of bed, my eyes long and drawn, due to the fact I
hadn't had much sleep lately. I knew I looked a right sight in the morning
because I looked in the mirror and my reflection laughed. I proceeded to get
ready because it was a long day ahead, I'd had the days work to get through
as a janitor in a karate club. The wages were bad but there were plenty of
backhanders. As I was just mopping up some blood a mate called me over, he
never did get my name right. He told me there was a dinner and dance going
on in Bradford that night, you know Bradford that's Hull with A levels.
As I was cleaning the toliets my mind was swaying in a deep tunnel of
thought. It had been a long time since I'd attended a do, in fact it was at
the last party when I'd met my last love, Nelly Pickering. I'll never forget
Nelly, she had a man's greatest desires....muscles, and hairy chest. We
finished due to illness, we were sick of each other.
After a long day's slog I clocked out and went home. With head hanging low I
entered the house and slumped back onto the couch....actually I don't know
why we called it a couch, it was more like a battleship with padding. It was
stew for tea that night, well more like a bowl of inhuman slop. At times I
wondered if there was a pair of eyes staring at me from it. Now don't get me
wrong, I'm not saying my mother's a bad cook, but she once managed to put a
sprout into orbit. We had custard after and I broke the chisel on it.
Night dawned and it was time to get ready for the do, there I stood washed,
shaved, and clad in my finest suit. It was my only suit and I'm not sure how
old it was, but the price tag said 2/6. I'm not saying it was in poor
condition, only the moth's put it up for sale.
It took me a while to find the place, I had forgotten to get the address.
What a rough place, in fact the bouncer was throwing the drunks in. Even the
piano had a bandage on its legs. The bouncer asked me if I had any weapons.
I said no so he gave me a flick knife.
I would just like to interupt the story for a minute to give you one of the
wife's recipes, she's been nagging me to do it for a while. This dish is
called 'Mole Surprise' and the instructions for it are as follows...
- Take one eldery mole with bad feet
- Cross its legs till it whistles Yellow River
- Garnish with horse manure and pickles
- Serve in a warm hat
I walked into the club. Dinner and Dance? It was fish 'n' chips and
headbanging. I strolled up to the bar and ordered a pint. A sign on the wall
said 'HAPPY HOUR', the barman gave me a pint and told me all prices had been
doubled. I asked him why he doubled all prices for happy hour and he said
"Well it makes me happy mate".
A strange place it was, I felt the call of nature and had to rush to the
toilet, which itself was strange 'coz the grafiti was spelt right. I noticed
a sign on the wall saying 'Beware of Poof's", there was another sign on the
skirting board that said 'Beware of Poof's". I bent down to read it and a
voice behind me said "You've been warned twice.".
I left and stood at the bar, I had to stand after my little encounter in the
toilets. The night went on and pint after pint was sloshed around the old
gullet. Suddenly the lights came on (that time of the month) and revealed a
multi coloured dance floor. With a series of burps and farts some drunks
headed for the dance floor and the rave music began to boom out of the
speakers. The night was floating by in a mist of beer and nuts, and through
the nerds dancing the time wrap I saw a vision of loveliness. There was one
young lady who was dancing alone. She was like a lonely wall flower stood
alone and lost in a bucket of manure. I flicked back my hair, arched my
shoulders, and fell over a frustrated moose. Picking myself up I pranced
onto the floor, and grabbed her into my arms. We danced together and
suddenly I felt a strange tingle....She scratched me with her bike clips.
The music stopped and we walked hand in hand to a nearby table layered with
a mountain of dribble. We sat there hands clasped and I said...."Darling, I
could live in your eyes". She said, "You'll been at home then there's a pig
sty in the right one.". After a few moments I cocked one eye at her and she
cocked one eye at me......and there we stood cock eyed.
She excused herself and went to spend a penny, and I sat there viewing the
dancing teenagers. It was then that my mate from work approached me, his
eyes weak and tearstained. He said he had just had a nightmare about his
wife's mother and a crocodile chasing him. He told me how horrible it was,
how he could feel the hot rancid breath on his neck, how he could see those
horrid yellow decayed teeth, how he could see the evil in those large firey
eyes. I agreed it must have been hell. He said, "Thats nothing, wait until I
tell you about the crocodile.".
She came back and we re-entered the dance floor. We held each other close
under the brightly coloured light and danced the tango, which surprised the
DJ 'coz he was playing the Lambada.
The night came to an end and we both went home with the arrangement to meet
again. Little did I know that the lady I danced and held that night was to
become my future wife. I remember our wedding well as it was a shot gun
wedding, anyone who spoke, the wife's mother shot.